Virtually every young child that you mind is afraid sometimes. Like the time that three-year-old burst into tears with fright when he discovered a spider in your bathroom sink; or the time that six-year-old refused to get a toy from the cupboard because he said it was too dark for him. In most instances, these childhood fears are mild and pass very quickly. (Sometimes fears are so strong that they disrupt a child’s life, but this is quite rare.)
Psychologists investigating children’s fears have found that, on average, children have around three fears. Surveys suggest that girls have more fears than boys and that the fears of boys are usually less intense than the fears of girls – but it may simply be the case that girls are more likely than boys to admit that they are afraid!
Typical Fears
You may be surprised at the range of fears a child can have. Here are some of the typical objects and events that can make a child you mind afraid:
small animals and insects. You may think that your pet gerbil is cute, but a five-year-old could become terrified if he thinks it has escaped from its cage and is running loose around your house. Similarly, he may become agitated if your pet bird is allowed out of its cage.
darkness. The lack of light allows children’s imagination to run riot – before you know it, the ones you mind are convinced that someone is lurking in the dark cupboard and they refuse to look inside there.
bad weather. Flashes of lightning and loud peals of thunder can make a child very afraid.. He is worried by the sights and sounds associated with bad weather, and you’ll find he tries to bury himself safely against you until the storm passes.
failure. The typical school-aged child wants to achieve, but if he is afraid of failure, he may be unwilling to try anything new in case the challenge proves too difficult for him (for instance, he doesn’t try to learn new concepts because he is afraid he won’t succeed).
loss of love. A child who is reprimanded by you for his misbehaviour may be genuinely afraid of losing your love. That’s one possible reason some children become almost hysterically when reprimanded by their childminder.
Fear of Separation
The most common childhood fears you are likely to meet while working as a childminder, however, is that of separation anxiety – that is, the fear of leaving Mum or Dad in order to spend time with you each day. It’s not that the child is afraid of you (in fact, he loves spending time with you), just that he has an irrational fear of being separated from his parents. That’s why a “new start” cries and howls each time he is dropped off at your house in the morning – he wants to stay with his parents. This separation fear is normal and should be expected in the early days. Tears at parting are not a sign of emotional insecurity and is usually only temporary until his confidence grows.
“Fear leaving Mum or Dad can show itself in different ways.”
Fear leaving Mum or Dad can show itself in different ways. Most typically, the child will be tearful and clingy, not wanting to let his parent out of sight. Any attempts by Mum to leave him with you are greeted with a louder howl and a tighter hug. He resists your attempts to talk to him. Yet other children show fear of separation in other ways. For instance, a child who is distressed when her parent leaves, may not cry but instead may sit in your house passively and lethargically, not taking part in any of the activities you provide.
You can help a child who has this sort of fear by giving him lots of reassurance. Tell him that he’ll be safe with you and that he will have good fun. Hold his hand, lead him into an activity with the other children you mind, and keep telling him that you are pleased because he is managing so well. Do what you can to keep him busy – a child who has fear of separation benefits from having a well-structured day, at least for the first few weeks. Choose the activities for him until he feels ready to make his own decisions.
Make a point of explaining the collection arrangements for him at the end of the day. You know that the child’s parent will pick him up from your house at the pre-arranged time – that fact seems so obvious to you. Yet it may not be obvious to the child himself. He may be very confused over return times, so point out to him that his parents will be back soon (if he is under the age of five years, he won’t understand phrases like “in 40 minutes” or “in just over an hour”). Lastly, tell him how pleased you are that he lasted a couple of hours without Mum and Dad beside him. Remind him of all the fun he had with you and the other children you mind.
Fear-Bustin’ Strategies
Here are some techniques to help you support a child you mind to overcome his fear:
treat him with respect. His fear may seem trivial to you, but it is real to him. He’s not behaving this way just for fun; so don’t treat him in a way which might suggest you think he is silly. You know what it feels like to be afraid – his feelings are exactly the same.
prepare him in advance. If you know that he has to face a stressful episode in the near future (for instance, a short stay in hospital) then encourage his parents to give him advance warning. You and they together can prepare him about what to expect.
encourage his parents to be calm. Their fear will spread to their child. So if they are anxious about a particular challenge facing him they shouldn’t show it, otherwise they’ll make him afraid. All the adults in the child’s world should have a calm and relaxed outward appearance.
teach the child to cope. You can help him develop the ability to deal with a potential fear by suggesting strategies for him to use. For instance, if he is afraid of not being good at reading when he starts school, then give him extra support with reading when he is with you.
help him relax. Fear generates a physical response. His muscles tense, his teeth clench together, and his hands grip tightly. Encourage the child to relax his body muscles when he feels afraid and to breathe more easily – these physical changes will have a calming effect.
be discreet. Like most adults, you probably have fears of your own – but keep them to yourself. Don’t let the children you mind hear about them, if at all possible, because the realisation that you are afraid of something may be sufficient to make them afraid of it too.
reassure him when he is afraid. The child genuinely believes the focus of his fear is unbeatable. He needs you to reassure him that he will cope. Keep saying this over and over to him, in a gentle tone. He gains emotional strength from your confidence in him.
discourage avoidance. He won’t beat his fear if he avoids the object he is afraid of; in fact, that will make matters worse because he cannot develop skills for coping. A child has to face his fear – with support from you and his parents – and discover for himself that he can manage.